5 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

1. Too difficult to "mark" every Web site they visit.
2. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail!"
3. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
4. Too hard to read the screen with head cocked to one side.
5. And finally... Just because dogs aren't GEEKS!

10 Excuses When Caught Sleeping at Work

1. It worked for Reagan, didn't it?
2. Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm
3. I was just testing the keybord!
4. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people
5. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they faved about in that time management course you sent me to
6. Hey! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem
7. They told me at the blood bank this might happen
8. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
9. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learnt at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend
10. I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day

10 Things NOT to Say to a Cop Who Pulls You Over

1. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in
2. I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer
3. You must have been doin about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
4. Aren't you the guy from the village people?
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
8. Excuse me, is stick 'em up hyphenated?
9. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
10. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell out of my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control...

10 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, 'I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!'
2. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan..
7. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
8. You want to see if it's like the dream.
9. Gives 'bad hair day' a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.

19th Century Euphemisms for Masturbation

1. Addressing Lord Palmer
2. Square Dancing with Satan
3. Churning the Codpiece Butter
4. Delivering the Ejaculation Proclamation
5. Driving the Golden Spike
6. Monitoring your Merrimac
7. Quashing the Southern Uprising
8. Cleaning the Musket
9. Assaulting the Tower of London
10. Oiling the Pennywhistle
11. Trying for a Scarlet "M"
12. Waving to Queen Victoria
13. Dragging Thyself to Hell, One Hand's Breadth at a Time
14. Signing your John Hancock
15. Pocket Punch 'n' Judy
16. Emptyin' the Saloon

10 things a girl should do before she is 25

1. To live at least a month in another town.
2. To be the first to say the words of love to her boyfriend.
3. To be in a very expensive restaurant.
4. To have at least one blind date.
5. To leave home with a scandal. Even for one day.
6. To make it up with the parents and come to them on Saturdays for dinners.
7. To live alone.
8. To live with a boyfriend.
9. To try to realize any of those funny advices from glam magazines like 'How to get to orgasm in a minute'.
10. To be at some silly job as promo-girl, phone operator, etc...